Delhi vs. Calcutta

Delhi: You? Picking a fight with me? What for? I’d win hands down, man! I am the freakin’ capital!

Calcutta: Capital? That toh only now! I was toh there before you!

Delhi: And before that? You bookworm! From time immemorial, every conqueror has desired me! I am the most…

Calcutta: Haan what? The most what? The most unsafe place for women?

Delhi: Err. You can’t think beyond what you read, can you? Ever looked at your dirty lanes? The crowds at Barabazaar? The stench that makes its way into your nose every time you drive on the Eastern By-Pass? It smells of rotten eggs! And oh dear, what narrow lanes, you have!

Calcutta: You toh are totally forgetting your Old Delhi then! Talk of hypocrisy! Huh!

And my narrow lanes are way better than your never-ending stretches!

Delhi: Yes. My never-ending stretches are clean and green. And I am sure no one really minds them. We have these cool looking buses, unlike the tin boxes that ply over your unkempt streets! And haven’t you ‘read’ about the Supreme Court’s decision to introduce more autos?

Calcutta: Your autos take so much money! Where your autos will extort 60 bucks, my autos will only take 6 bucks from each passenger! A little bit of sharing and ‘dada, budge a little’ in the auto can save so much! 

Delhi: Well done, miser! But look at it this way. Passengers who travel in my autos do not have to sit with obnoxious strangers. And dude! Seriously! Your metro? It sucks!

Calcutta: Haan. It was built in 1984, when you couldn’t even spell M-E-T-R-O! So stop bragging about yours! You copy cat! We are truly the cultural capital of India! Our heritage and history is so rich and…

Delhi: Okay. Drop it. You either have not been taking history lessons seriously or you are just pretending to be stupid. Ever heard of Red fort? Qutub Minar? India Gate? They are all mine baby!

Calcutta: Yes, I have. And boka, have you heard of Jorashanko Thakurbari? Kumhartuli? Princep? Victoria Memorial? Does any of it ring a bell?

Delhi: Angrez kii aulaad! And don’t speak in bong with me man! I don’t understand. And by the way do you guys really put aloo in biryani? Seriously? Aloo?

Calcutta: Yes and it tastes way better than yours! And why are you after my aloo? Ever wondered why you put meetha in your Phhuchkaa?

Delhi: It is called Golgappa, okay? And really you can’t beat me as far as food is concerned. Tandoori chicken, kebabs, tikka, qorma and the parathas from parathey waali gali! Even your fish eating public cannot resist.

Calcutta: Oh please. Ever tried our giant size momos? They are way cheaper than your tiny specimens and they taste even better. And none of your chicken preparations can stand up to my eeleesh or my chingri. By the way, don’t ever make fun of my maach eating public. Maach makes bongs intelligent and your Delhites definitely are in dire need of it.

Delhi: Excuse me? True that my people do not sit with books all day long unlike your spectacle wearing, boring lot, but they are definitely intelligent and yes, better looking!

Calcutta: Better looking? Could be but dear dear! When they open their mouths and speak in that despicable accent! Chi chi. No culture. Rich parents buy their chhokraas big cars and they drive at high speed playing such loud music. No respect or consideration at all. Spoilt brats.

Delhi: My people know how to live life.

Calcutta: My people appreciate higher sensibilities.

Delhi: My people dress well. We have Sarojini.

Calcutta: So what? We have New Market.

Delhi: Ghalib lived here.

Calcutta: Don’t get me started on my list of intellectuals.

Delhi: We have the parliament.

Calcutta: Arey man. We have Didi.

And like she says, er pore aar kono kotha hobe na. (Nothing can be said after this)