The warm summer air hit his face as he walked into the bus stop, his face still red from the exertion. He had never liked raising his voice but this time he just couldn't help it. He had to say something. It was about him, after all. And now he just needed to go back home...somehow, anyhow, as if everything would be alright once he smelt the familiar dust and heat of the city. This place had always made him feel empty inside...reminding him of everything that had been taken away from him....and yet again, it had brought to him news of imminent loss...inevitable and irreversible. He stepped on to the bus...the AC sucked in all the sweat like a thirsty animal, leaving his skin sticky. Pushing his back-pack into the luggage box above, he settled down. The night outside stared back at him...as blank as his own mind. He just knew he was glad to be on this bus...returning...staying back was not an option at all. He needed to think, yes...thats what...he needed to think it all out. He was jolted out of his stupor by the guy next to him pointing at his pocket. He looked at the name on the phone's screen and with his eyes tight shut, as if to shut out any display of emotion, received the call.
She had been having a bad feeling ever since he had left...like something gnawing at her insides. She was glad he had picked up the phone but he just didn't sound the same. It was just not him. She asked, once, twice what the matter was. He just muttered something vaguely about being tired. "Why returning early?" she said. "Just work" was his reply and she knew something had gone terribly wrong and it was only a matter of time before he broke it all to her. She just didn't know what it was. She just knew inside that it was something terrible and yet something so obvious....so certain...so predictable. Nothing in this world was ever perfect. God had never meant anything to be that way. And their world that had seemed so perfect had to collapse...it just had to have a rendevouz with reality. "Lets please talk tomorrow" was all he could manage.
He stared at the blank window again. He didn't how he was supposed to tell her. How was he to tell her of the choice that he had been asked to make? How was he to tell her that the world was not a nice place after all and that he was in no position to protect her from the cruel cruel world. In fact, he had just been asked to be the one to inflict pain upon her. And if he denied her solitude and separation, he would leave two innocents orphaned.
He knew what he was about to do to her...he dialed her number. She knew what was coming, as she waited patiently for him to say it all.
"I can't." he muttered..."He says I can't or else..." His voice dropped in shivers and trailed off into the music of a rumbling bus, sleeping-snoring passengers, vehicles rushing past on a highway, a dark, tainted sky clearing up to the chirping of birds, a world on the verge of an awakening...where love was a blasphemy still.

To My Beloved Bitch!

I have known her for only a few months...months that have rushed past like lightning, in a blink of a moment. I don't remember how we got talking in the first place. Its all a blur now. I used to see her visit my next door friends. She was shy and quiet...not really my sort. Then she moved into my neighbourhood with another friend. It was supposed to make no difference to me and yet it did...

We bonded over coffee. No one on our floor loved coffee as much as we did. We started as coffee mates. Mugs and mugs of steaming hot coffee and the two of us would sit huddled in my room and talk for hours. We weren't roomies...weren't even friends. We were, as I said coffee mates. We shared practically nothing in common except the undying love for coffee and food. She came from a different country, studied a different subject in University and we practically had nothing in common. She was red. I was blue. What we shared was yellow. And at the end, she became orange and I became green...never to be the same again.

We talked about everything under the sun and beyond it...from Philosophy to Religion to Politics to just Life. When we were together, there was never a single moment when we were quiet or bored or without coffee. We made our own philosophies, came to our conclusions. 'Do you read minds?'...she would always ask. I did...at least hers and she read mine. I knew what she was thinking, and she knew what was on my mind. We were connected...wired together by some strange, invisible bond.

She would cook the most awful soups and I would ask her to make them again and again. She taught me new ingredients...something called 'dil' and we soon found out how it spoilt the soup...how much we laughed! I discovered new recipes, the most famous being iyam kecap and apparently it tasted home cooked food for her. She picked Rajma. She would cook in such large amounts that we wouldn't have to cook for the next few days.

She was the only one who could deal with someone as crazy as me. I would come home and complain about my department...about how hard it sometimes got. And she would keep me going. There were nights when I would sit by her and cry....she would indifferently keep staring at her laptop and ask me to do something that would make me happy. We would sit and curse a number of people including the Provost of the Girls' Hostel, Iranians, some of my professors and some of hers. From pushing me out of bed to pushing me to pushing me to study to looking after me when i was unwell...she did it all. She would come into my room and declare 'your room is very messy' and I would innocently say 'I like messy rooms'. She would roll her eyes and say,'well your room is dirty'. The next day she would come in and utter 'miracle' at my clean room. She is possibly the most logical and analytical person I know...'that is no argument at all' she would say at a grinning me, trying to do her in. We went through a number of phases together - Kantian phase, Carols phase, Westlife-Boyzone phase (all over again), the bad soup phase, the special fried rice phase, I hate religion phase, lets kill the bitch phase, do not be explicit phase, forgive the Iranian phase, cream roll phase, coffee phase, green tea phase, you can't love a married man phase, TOI Crest phase, Speaking Tree phase, etc etc.

I don't know if I will ever see her again. She is going back to her country and I don't know how much modern day communication is going to help. How will I ever drink coffee in the morning or look at another crest edition? when I know I will not have someone beside me to discuss it with? How am I going to wake up every morning and not see her sitting at the laptop? How will my room ever be clean again? How am I supposed to function without her? Yea...I know all the lectures that people will be giving of how things move on...so on and so forth. I know all that. I understand. I agree. But how will I replace her? Where will I find another her?

Hey Bitch! here is to you...I love you.